Wow remember when you were a kid and somebody wronged you? And just before you could exact your perfect revenge the villain was caught and forced to give you their sad excuse for a “Sorry”. As a child (or maybe even still now) you didn’t hide your feelings. Sorry doesn’t cut it asshole! You wanted the sweet sweet taste of revenge and nothing else would do…for about fifteen minutes after which you eventually found yourself so bored by the whole evil maniac monologue in your head that you either forgot* about the whole thing naturally or tell yourself to leave off it until you do forget.
And that was what was great about childhood: you could enter the now and ‘forget’ the pain of before. Of course now you’re an adult and that simply doesn’t fly anymore. You can try like hell, be absolutely determined to forget your hurts and affronts, but its there at the back of your restless mind and coming to the forefront.
What the hell do you do when that forgetting shit doesn’t work? That’s something each person should examine for themselves. Sometimes, psychotherapybabble aside, you do have a great reason for not forgiving. It might not be a great reason in the grand scheme of things but in the small stage of life that you occupy it may mean everything. You do have the right to protect yourself from those who don’t mean you well and will repeat those same devastating acts.
But just because you scream “I hate you all” at the top of your lungs doesn’t mean you don’t hate yourself a little for it. After all, who doesn’t want to swoop down and rescue another from themselves? That would transform you from the victim to the hero.
But here’s my personal stand from that: Scream. Scream all you want and it doesn’t matter who you think you’re screaming at, in the end it’s always you. Haha doesn’t just suck how weak we are? Or is it strong? Sometimes I have to imagine society as people stuck in bubbles that may pop at any second from being pressed together so tightly but still the real people inside never touch.
The conundrum is this, should we all be responsible for saving ourselves- doomed to fail- or save each other- doomed again to fail? That is the wrong question. We are forgetting that relationships between real live people can be reflected in the intertextualities of characters in literature. The greatest artists show us the everyday, the mundane, and thus the truth. They make us revel in it. But I digress [majorly<- huh, I never knew that was slang. People, majorly is not a word! Okay seriously, stop.], we have to be determined to solve how to forgive those who have harmed us without letting them back into our lives.
You see, grudges are powerful things that just stick on your heart like a clogged artery. HEART ATTACK BABY! [sorry I have to allow myself 1 minute of otakuness a day. People, that was it. F33r 1t.]
But wait, didn’t I post earlier how people shouldn’t apologise if they don’t mean it?
Crap, I just realized…I’m struggling with the same quandary!
Right so what do you do? You get determined. You get so fucking determined you scare the people aware enough to see it in you. They don’t know what to say, they need to be awed. You have got to believe that you are worth establishing forgiveness. That won’t be easy, soldier. There will be tears and reflection and pain but when you cross so many of your own bridges, it might be easier to feel some compassion to the bridges that others have burnt behind them.
It takes a lot of fear to fuel a burning bridge. Who couldn’t understand that kind of fear? Who couldn’t reflect on a time where you’ve thrown your own fear on a bridge from your heart to another’s? And who amongst us, with all that, would dare not to remember the pain it brought us? That is why forgiveness won’t be easy. It isn’t easy because it takes time. Unfortunately the collusion of your destiny doesn’t come with a timetable.
* When I say “forget” I actually mean “put it to the back of your inner closet until it all builds up as a pubescent when you just happen to think about it and suddenly you’re really angry about a multitude of offences all at once…” Yeah.
Playlist [ parts from my two itunes playlists “relaxo” and “adieu mr knight”] : “hallelujah” Rufus Wainwright, “dead meat” Sean Lennon, “broken” Seether ft Amy Lee, “black hole sun” Soundgarden, “its been awhile” Staind, “you’re so last summer” Taking Back Sunday, “stranger in my house” Tamia, “count yourself in” Ten Second Epic, “apologize” One Republic, “deep river” Utada Hikaru, “first love” Utada Hikaru, “amai wana” Utada Hikaru, “when it all falls apart” The Veronicas, “color me once” Violent Femmes, “hoppipolla” Sigur Rus, “swiderweb” Coldplay, “fortune faded” Red Hot Chili Peppers, “the simple story” Feist ft Jane Birkin, “paper planes” M.I.A.
