Well in the time I was away I made some general scrabbles about this and that so I'll just transcribe it from my notebook as quick recap:
Day 1- ...Aaaaand I know I'm home when I get straight innit. You know, the family pull and tugs of gossip, love, chastising, and hating. But it's okay. I've been training hard core for 21 years to deal with this foolishness. I get treated real nice (I love love love being spoiled. Yes, yes- LOVE ME!!! FFFFEEEEDDD MMMMEEE!!!!)
Plans to make money already falling through...I'm too lazy to be true.
Playlist: Kanye West "Roses"
Day 2 & 3- Sleep, chat with friends, and watch "A shot at love with Tila Tequila" with open mouthed fascination and repulsion combined. Lazed. Slowly getting into the roll of things. Very slowly and lazily. Highlight of day was watching Grandma putter...
Playlist: still Kanye West "Roses"
Day 4- Actually really nice day spent with stepmom and sister on various adventures. Almost each of us got to go to our favourite places. I took them to a craft show first. My stepmom got some jam. I had no idea she liked jam that much. It's wierd but have you ever known someone a long time and all of a sudden you realize there is a huge part of their life you know nothing about? Maybe I'm scrutinizing the jam too much but I'm pretty sure I only know the surface of a lot of people.
My sister got to go to Beadworks (after they overshot the store's location by two blocks *shakes head* and I'm suppoused to be the directionally challenged one!) and she got lots of beads and various bead supplies. She's really into this whole jewellery making business. And I got to go to Bookcity. Later on my sister and I went to Chapters and good times and adventures were had by all.
Wierdly I was getting flirted with left and right by fool after fool. It started with some guy named Gabriel (like the angel) who turned a simple handshake into a royal hand kiss and they just kept coming out of the wood work from there. But I have to admit the guy was such a helpful smarm...He's totally going to show up in one of my books.
Playlist ( a random composition but not that bad. ELLLAAA!!!) : Ella Fitzgerald "Imagination", Bullet for my Valentine "The Poison", Utada Hikaru "ASAP", Ella Fitzgerald "Gulf Coast Blues", Vanessa Carlton "This Time"
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Mission: Job Hunt
Not much to post today. This week has been boring beyond belief. Found a great place to get my tattoo, did some projects (nearly there!!!), hung out with some friends. Discussed boobs and farts. So not much material there. Well…nothing I’d care to go into serious depth about right now.
I’m really broke so I’m on the hunt for jobs. I have a few things lined up and ready to go for next week. My family thinks I’m crazy. I never care about money. But I overspent last month so that needs to be corrected and rebalanced. In fact I’ll keep a daily diary on all the weird people I meet and report back. If I ever return from the craziness of the city part time cash job grab.
Mostly its focus groups ( I don’t have a child, smoke, or own a cat but for the purpose of obtaining funds I’m willing to lie… besides smoking is terrible so I’m bringing down the cigarette and tobacco industry from within their marketing department. They’ll never suspect me. Yes, one grain of a brick at a time people. As for the cat and child…I guess they could be negatives too. For example “The Exorcist”. That mother must have been very stressed by her child. And cats…cats look cuddly, sweet, and funny but that’s just what they want you to think.).
Actually there will probably be more posts next week because of my job diary and I’ll be visiting the “wilder” side of my family (I swear, despite appearances to the contrary, we actually love each other to death!!!) so I will probably have a daily rant.
Soundtrack (Even though some of my favourite artists are on here this is a pretty boring shuffle mix!!): Erase and rewind- The Cardigans, Deep River- Utada Hikaru, One Night Stand- The Pipettees, Get Right Remix- Jennifer Lopez, Can't Explain- Jill Scott, Given up- Linkin Park, Six different ways- The Cure, Lonely Lonely (Frisbee'd Mix)-Feist, No Solution- Sum 41, Concerto for 2 Violins in G Major, RV 516, II. Andante (molto)- Simon Standage, Elizabeth Wilcock & The English Concert (c. Trevor Pinnock), Tourniquet- Evanescence ...there's more but its just bad. Let's stop, say we did and don't.
I’m really broke so I’m on the hunt for jobs. I have a few things lined up and ready to go for next week. My family thinks I’m crazy. I never care about money. But I overspent last month so that needs to be corrected and rebalanced. In fact I’ll keep a daily diary on all the weird people I meet and report back. If I ever return from the craziness of the city part time cash job grab.
Mostly its focus groups ( I don’t have a child, smoke, or own a cat but for the purpose of obtaining funds I’m willing to lie… besides smoking is terrible so I’m bringing down the cigarette and tobacco industry from within their marketing department. They’ll never suspect me. Yes, one grain of a brick at a time people. As for the cat and child…I guess they could be negatives too. For example “The Exorcist”. That mother must have been very stressed by her child. And cats…cats look cuddly, sweet, and funny but that’s just what they want you to think.).
Actually there will probably be more posts next week because of my job diary and I’ll be visiting the “wilder” side of my family (I swear, despite appearances to the contrary, we actually love each other to death!!!) so I will probably have a daily rant.
Soundtrack (Even though some of my favourite artists are on here this is a pretty boring shuffle mix!!): Erase and rewind- The Cardigans, Deep River- Utada Hikaru, One Night Stand- The Pipettees, Get Right Remix- Jennifer Lopez, Can't Explain- Jill Scott, Given up- Linkin Park, Six different ways- The Cure, Lonely Lonely (Frisbee'd Mix)-Feist, No Solution- Sum 41, Concerto for 2 Violins in G Major, RV 516, II. Andante (molto)- Simon Standage, Elizabeth Wilcock & The English Concert (c. Trevor Pinnock), Tourniquet- Evanescence ...there's more but its just bad. Let's stop, say we did and don't.
Friday, November 23, 2007
The Public and The Apology
Hey Ladies and gents (If there is anyone out there),
I’m still working hard on my degree. It’s been a little crazy around here. I’ve finished my novelette, working on my business plan ( …more on that some other time.), handed in my portfolio, and done some presentations.
Which leads me to my next topic: the public and the apology. A lot of people are running around, chickens without their you-know-whats, because of public speaking. Unless you have no friends, no family, and are a selective mute you’ve done public speaking plenty of times without a problem. Why do we feel this way? For me, I get the heart against the ribs, against the throat, my heart thumping away at the tiny space between my brain and my skull nervous. I just knock all my preparation out of the water. Why is this fear so popular?
Allow me to put forth a probably un-unique theory. It’s our collective unconscious. Naturally most of us fear strangers with their blank, unfamiliar expressions and bodies. Their strange quirks, voices, beliefs, and expectations.
I’m still working hard on my degree. It’s been a little crazy around here. I’ve finished my novelette, working on my business plan ( …more on that some other time.), handed in my portfolio, and done some presentations.
Which leads me to my next topic: the public and the apology. A lot of people are running around, chickens without their you-know-whats, because of public speaking. Unless you have no friends, no family, and are a selective mute you’ve done public speaking plenty of times without a problem. Why do we feel this way? For me, I get the heart against the ribs, against the throat, my heart thumping away at the tiny space between my brain and my skull nervous. I just knock all my preparation out of the water. Why is this fear so popular?
Allow me to put forth a probably un-unique theory. It’s our collective unconscious. Naturally most of us fear strangers with their blank, unfamiliar expressions and bodies. Their strange quirks, voices, beliefs, and expectations.
Everyday I observe people, myself included, tailor their behaviour to meet the image others expect of us. This isn’t a bad thing. We expect people to say “Excuse me.” when they fart a particularly noxious one or kneel when they pray in a Catholic church.
We look forward to these moves like we expect chessplayers to follow the rules of the game pieces; it allows us to smoothly dance the steps of life as best we can when we’re all crowded together like sardines in a can.
When we tap into our collective unconscious to review how we should behave in front of large groups of people- of classmates, rioters, whatever- there’s always the warning: beware of strangers! It throws you off. You become wary for the one person who does the unexpected. Your reflexes become honed, the adrenaline pumps, because you may have to throw a spear into a crowd to save your life or answer a question you haven’t thought much about for a passing grade. How do we overcome this? Alright, I’ll be the first to admit it, nice as saying “Piss it all!” would be, I haven’t a clue. Give me suggestions.
Something else came up this week. I say sorry all the damn time. It means nothing explicitly to me. The word is nothing to me anymore. I just exchange it for “Excuse me.”. And something is wrong with that. Some words should have a sacredness about their number of daily use, non? So I challenged myself to go a week without saying it. You would not believe how many times I bit my tongue and the week isn’t even over! Just today I said it about three times by accident and only once did I actually mean it ( Sorry Patient Elderly Gentleman with Lady Friend in Chapters that I cut you off in the packed aisle. The young are quick little fuckers.). If I continue this way I’ll start to lose respect for the tangible, heartfelt words “I’m sorry.” ( On account of “I apologize” may sound smarmy to some ears. Like mine.).
Worse, the ones I really need to apologize to won’t care when I do.
I’m off to kill more time before time kills me.
Soundtrack (Songs off my itunes Playlist titled “Hitodama”): Everything I Am by Kanye West/ DJ Premier, Mad World by Gary Jules ( I don’t think Mad World should be included on account of I didn’t even notice it but here it is.), I See God In You by India. Arie, Rehab by Amy Winehouse, Spiderweb by Coldplay, (Also note I skipped Pink’s “You Make Me Sick” because I did.), Hallelujah by Rufus Wainright, Satin Chic by Goldfrapp, When The Sun Goes Down by Artic Monkeys, Hearts In Celestial Union by Gandalf, The Funeral By Band of Horses
Something else came up this week. I say sorry all the damn time. It means nothing explicitly to me. The word is nothing to me anymore. I just exchange it for “Excuse me.”. And something is wrong with that. Some words should have a sacredness about their number of daily use, non? So I challenged myself to go a week without saying it. You would not believe how many times I bit my tongue and the week isn’t even over! Just today I said it about three times by accident and only once did I actually mean it ( Sorry Patient Elderly Gentleman with Lady Friend in Chapters that I cut you off in the packed aisle. The young are quick little fuckers.). If I continue this way I’ll start to lose respect for the tangible, heartfelt words “I’m sorry.” ( On account of “I apologize” may sound smarmy to some ears. Like mine.).
Worse, the ones I really need to apologize to won’t care when I do.
I’m off to kill more time before time kills me.
Soundtrack (Songs off my itunes Playlist titled “Hitodama”): Everything I Am by Kanye West/ DJ Premier, Mad World by Gary Jules ( I don’t think Mad World should be included on account of I didn’t even notice it but here it is.), I See God In You by India. Arie, Rehab by Amy Winehouse, Spiderweb by Coldplay, (Also note I skipped Pink’s “You Make Me Sick” because I did.), Hallelujah by Rufus Wainright, Satin Chic by Goldfrapp, When The Sun Goes Down by Artic Monkeys, Hearts In Celestial Union by Gandalf, The Funeral By Band of Horses
Friday, October 19, 2007
Well I guess that’s what I’m trying to say out loud.
Every time we allow someone to treat us like shit we silently say to that person: I’m worth less than dog crap. Stepping on me is like stepping on goose shit in your new white sneakers. That’s what you say.
I hate when I find myself giving out that message because I’m too afraid to stick up to them or it isn’t the polite time or I find myself fantasizing about revenge at a later time or whatever. I hate it mostly because those bullies aren’t the only ones who hear that whine of a self esteem extinguished. The little voice in my head hears it too. And the voice figures to itself: well hell, I can treat you like that too. Then the little voice isn’t about the necessary self criticism, the kind that keeps your ego from ballooning out of proportion, but taking you down just like how you let everybody else do. It’s critical you only let, keyword: LET, people treat you the way you want to treat yourself.
That being said, what if you do stick up for yourself and nothing changes? Well, now every time that asshole parent, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, sister, brother, dog, hobo on the street, boss…they now know that you know they are toxic. No one is letting it politely go anymore. It isn’t the elephant in the dark room anymore. The lights are on in your brain. And eventually, only if you keep fighting every second, every minute, and every hour, everyone else has to respect that.
Suddenly the situation is out of your hands. And you have to be okay with that because, as much as you could, you didn’t let whatever happens just happen to you. You’re a fighter. Even if it means all you want to hear is please & thank you.
I guess on this blog I want to show you a lot of people not taking crap or working hard, fighting hard, so they never have to again. Everyone is fighting someone. That’s what life is about: war and strife for every bit of joy you can get for yourself or someone else or for everyone. People out there are (what is it our society calls it again? Oh yeah, selfishly.) trying to make a little happiness in the world.
Another thing I have been finding myself thinking is the world- the environment, the animals, the people, the governments- none of it can be saved if we don’t change our mentality before the physical elements of our lives. And if everyone (a crazy indulgence!) starting doing something that creatively let go of some our anger we could start really fixing some problems around here. Because we are angry. Its those bullies who piss us off so much we bully someone else ( Recognizing a pattern?) just to get the steam off our chest. I know I do it and you’ve probably noticed yourself doing it too if you even care. But if you were happy, doing something you love for even an hour everyday, would you really need to bully others? Probably not. I know I suddenly don’t give a damn about assholes when I’m fulfilling my needs. Suddenly, I’m more understanding. Suddenly, I’m stopping the cycle. Hell, I’m fighting back against the cycle of destruction. These are the things I have been thinking about lately. Well I guess that’s what I’m trying to say out loud.
Listened to [all for the first time! Very good!]: Band of Horses (Everything All the Time); Regina Specktor (Begin to Hope)
I hate when I find myself giving out that message because I’m too afraid to stick up to them or it isn’t the polite time or I find myself fantasizing about revenge at a later time or whatever. I hate it mostly because those bullies aren’t the only ones who hear that whine of a self esteem extinguished. The little voice in my head hears it too. And the voice figures to itself: well hell, I can treat you like that too. Then the little voice isn’t about the necessary self criticism, the kind that keeps your ego from ballooning out of proportion, but taking you down just like how you let everybody else do. It’s critical you only let, keyword: LET, people treat you the way you want to treat yourself.
That being said, what if you do stick up for yourself and nothing changes? Well, now every time that asshole parent, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, sister, brother, dog, hobo on the street, boss…they now know that you know they are toxic. No one is letting it politely go anymore. It isn’t the elephant in the dark room anymore. The lights are on in your brain. And eventually, only if you keep fighting every second, every minute, and every hour, everyone else has to respect that.
Suddenly the situation is out of your hands. And you have to be okay with that because, as much as you could, you didn’t let whatever happens just happen to you. You’re a fighter. Even if it means all you want to hear is please & thank you.
I guess on this blog I want to show you a lot of people not taking crap or working hard, fighting hard, so they never have to again. Everyone is fighting someone. That’s what life is about: war and strife for every bit of joy you can get for yourself or someone else or for everyone. People out there are (what is it our society calls it again? Oh yeah, selfishly.) trying to make a little happiness in the world.
Another thing I have been finding myself thinking is the world- the environment, the animals, the people, the governments- none of it can be saved if we don’t change our mentality before the physical elements of our lives. And if everyone (a crazy indulgence!) starting doing something that creatively let go of some our anger we could start really fixing some problems around here. Because we are angry. Its those bullies who piss us off so much we bully someone else ( Recognizing a pattern?) just to get the steam off our chest. I know I do it and you’ve probably noticed yourself doing it too if you even care. But if you were happy, doing something you love for even an hour everyday, would you really need to bully others? Probably not. I know I suddenly don’t give a damn about assholes when I’m fulfilling my needs. Suddenly, I’m more understanding. Suddenly, I’m stopping the cycle. Hell, I’m fighting back against the cycle of destruction. These are the things I have been thinking about lately. Well I guess that’s what I’m trying to say out loud.
Listened to [all for the first time! Very good!]: Band of Horses (Everything All the Time); Regina Specktor (Begin to Hope)
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