Hey Ladies and gents (If there is anyone out there),
I’m still working hard on my degree. It’s been a little crazy around here. I’ve finished my novelette, working on my business plan ( …more on that some other time.), handed in my portfolio, and done some presentations.
Which leads me to my next topic: the public and the apology. A lot of people are running around, chickens without their you-know-whats, because of public speaking. Unless you have no friends, no family, and are a selective mute you’ve done public speaking plenty of times without a problem. Why do we feel this way? For me, I get the heart against the ribs, against the throat, my heart thumping away at the tiny space between my brain and my skull nervous. I just knock all my preparation out of the water. Why is this fear so popular?
Allow me to put forth a probably un-unique theory. It’s our collective unconscious. Naturally most of us fear strangers with their blank, unfamiliar expressions and bodies. Their strange quirks, voices, beliefs, and expectations.
I’m still working hard on my degree. It’s been a little crazy around here. I’ve finished my novelette, working on my business plan ( …more on that some other time.), handed in my portfolio, and done some presentations.
Which leads me to my next topic: the public and the apology. A lot of people are running around, chickens without their you-know-whats, because of public speaking. Unless you have no friends, no family, and are a selective mute you’ve done public speaking plenty of times without a problem. Why do we feel this way? For me, I get the heart against the ribs, against the throat, my heart thumping away at the tiny space between my brain and my skull nervous. I just knock all my preparation out of the water. Why is this fear so popular?
Allow me to put forth a probably un-unique theory. It’s our collective unconscious. Naturally most of us fear strangers with their blank, unfamiliar expressions and bodies. Their strange quirks, voices, beliefs, and expectations.
Everyday I observe people, myself included, tailor their behaviour to meet the image others expect of us. This isn’t a bad thing. We expect people to say “Excuse me.” when they fart a particularly noxious one or kneel when they pray in a Catholic church.
We look forward to these moves like we expect chessplayers to follow the rules of the game pieces; it allows us to smoothly dance the steps of life as best we can when we’re all crowded together like sardines in a can.
When we tap into our collective unconscious to review how we should behave in front of large groups of people- of classmates, rioters, whatever- there’s always the warning: beware of strangers! It throws you off. You become wary for the one person who does the unexpected. Your reflexes become honed, the adrenaline pumps, because you may have to throw a spear into a crowd to save your life or answer a question you haven’t thought much about for a passing grade. How do we overcome this? Alright, I’ll be the first to admit it, nice as saying “Piss it all!” would be, I haven’t a clue. Give me suggestions.
Something else came up this week. I say sorry all the damn time. It means nothing explicitly to me. The word is nothing to me anymore. I just exchange it for “Excuse me.”. And something is wrong with that. Some words should have a sacredness about their number of daily use, non? So I challenged myself to go a week without saying it. You would not believe how many times I bit my tongue and the week isn’t even over! Just today I said it about three times by accident and only once did I actually mean it ( Sorry Patient Elderly Gentleman with Lady Friend in Chapters that I cut you off in the packed aisle. The young are quick little fuckers.). If I continue this way I’ll start to lose respect for the tangible, heartfelt words “I’m sorry.” ( On account of “I apologize” may sound smarmy to some ears. Like mine.).
Worse, the ones I really need to apologize to won’t care when I do.
I’m off to kill more time before time kills me.
Soundtrack (Songs off my itunes Playlist titled “Hitodama”): Everything I Am by Kanye West/ DJ Premier, Mad World by Gary Jules ( I don’t think Mad World should be included on account of I didn’t even notice it but here it is.), I See God In You by India. Arie, Rehab by Amy Winehouse, Spiderweb by Coldplay, (Also note I skipped Pink’s “You Make Me Sick” because I did.), Hallelujah by Rufus Wainright, Satin Chic by Goldfrapp, When The Sun Goes Down by Artic Monkeys, Hearts In Celestial Union by Gandalf, The Funeral By Band of Horses
Something else came up this week. I say sorry all the damn time. It means nothing explicitly to me. The word is nothing to me anymore. I just exchange it for “Excuse me.”. And something is wrong with that. Some words should have a sacredness about their number of daily use, non? So I challenged myself to go a week without saying it. You would not believe how many times I bit my tongue and the week isn’t even over! Just today I said it about three times by accident and only once did I actually mean it ( Sorry Patient Elderly Gentleman with Lady Friend in Chapters that I cut you off in the packed aisle. The young are quick little fuckers.). If I continue this way I’ll start to lose respect for the tangible, heartfelt words “I’m sorry.” ( On account of “I apologize” may sound smarmy to some ears. Like mine.).
Worse, the ones I really need to apologize to won’t care when I do.
I’m off to kill more time before time kills me.
Soundtrack (Songs off my itunes Playlist titled “Hitodama”): Everything I Am by Kanye West/ DJ Premier, Mad World by Gary Jules ( I don’t think Mad World should be included on account of I didn’t even notice it but here it is.), I See God In You by India. Arie, Rehab by Amy Winehouse, Spiderweb by Coldplay, (Also note I skipped Pink’s “You Make Me Sick” because I did.), Hallelujah by Rufus Wainright, Satin Chic by Goldfrapp, When The Sun Goes Down by Artic Monkeys, Hearts In Celestial Union by Gandalf, The Funeral By Band of Horses
